Change can be good.

Since my last post, not much has changed. I still feel terrible. I struggle to get through each day. Some answers have been found. I do not have Lyme Disease or Diabetes. My cholesterol level, thyroid, kidney and liver function are fine. What I do have is a reeeeeaaaaalllllly low level of Vitamin D. Could this contribute to the headaches, the fatigue, the dizzy spells, the achiness? What I also have is high blood pressure. Okay, that could also be a contributor to my symptoms. I have been prescribed 50,000 units of Vitamin D a week. Yes you read that correctly. 50,000 units a week. I have an echo cardiogram on Tuesday. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I know it is an easy test but to even be talking about possible heart problems is very scary. I also have a stress test scheduled for Friday. So, what has all of this talk of high blood pressure and possible heart problems done for me besides completely stress me out, wishing for a life long supply of Xanax? It has given me the drive to take care of myself. I have two beautiful children who need me. I have started making healthy choices. I started grabbing a piece of fruit instead of a bag of chips. I started parking the car at the far end of the parking lot instead of driving in circles looking for the closest one. I learned that you do not know what it is like to really feel badly until you really feel badly. Do you know what it is like to struggle to get out of bed in the morning or to load the dishwasher at night because your body just hurts? Because you feel like you have been awake for days? I am not in my comfort zone. I am not comfortable in my own body. The only one that can change that is me. No doctor or family member or friend can do that for me. I am the only one who can do that for me. My first week of completely changing my eating habits helped me to drop 4.5 pounds. Nobody did that for me. I did that. For the first time in my life I know that I am making these changes not so I can look good or be able to tuck in my shirt but so that I can feel good. So that I can share life with my kids. I hate not feeling good. I hate not being able to keep up with my kids. And lets face it, if you don't feel good, you don't "do good".  I am making the change. I want to feel good and I want to do good. And I don't want to just be able to keep up with my kids, I want to be side by side with them sharing life's adventures, life's challenges, life's successes. So goodbye 4.5 pounds. It was not nice knowing you and you are not welcome back. Ever. This is change that I will not regret. Ever.

No more screwing around!

For those of you who know me, you know I can get a little anxious. Okay a lot anxious. I put on a pretty good show of having my shit together, of having all of my ducks in a row, of being Wonder Woman. Until this past weekend. Something happened to me. I fell apart. I completely unravelled. In public, while engaged in one of my favorite things to do. Before I knew it, my chest was pounding, my pulse was racing, my world was spinning. Panic attack? Allergic reaction? Heart attack?  For God's sake, I was scrap booking. Not a good time for me to lose my cool, to stop functioning. As I snuck out the back door with my sister-n-law and a couple of good friends in order to avoid the room of 40 or so scrapbookers, all I could think was I need to get to the emergency room. I need to fix this stabbing pain that is ripping into my chest. I was not thinking of anybody else. I admit it. Is that bad? An EKG, chest xray, blood work, elevated blood pressure and I am sent home. All tests are normal. But I still am in pain I tell them. Here lady, have some Vicadin and go home. I am told I have Pleurisy. Seriously? I am thankful I was not having a heart attack but I also know that a diagnosis of swelling around the lungs due to a virus does not seem right. Two days later, the chest pains, the dizziness, and add on a horrible headache. All still present. I call my doctor, who gives me another EKG in the office, which is normal.  Yaaaay! The blood pressure is still too high. Way too high. You need to go see a cardiologist she tells me. We need to get a better look at what is going on before I think about treating the high blood pressure. Whaaaat?  Aren't cardiologists for old people? I am only 39 years old! What is this stress test and echo cardiogram you speak of? Fasting blood work. Don't eat or drink after midnight and go get blood drawn first thing in the morning. My mind is spinning. The last thing I knew, I was chatting with my friends, cropping pictures of family day trips and special moments with my family and now I am in a doctors office talking about heart doctors, high blood pressure, and blood tests. Deep breaths Becky. Deep breaths. Don't let that anxiety knock you off of the examination table. As I drove out of that parking lot I decided something. This is a bunch of bullshit. And it is going to stop. It has to stop. I am too young to be discussing heart conditions, high blood pressure, and oh yes, I forgot to mention, Lyme disease. I followed orders. I fasted and went to the blood drawing station. I waited for the cardiologist to call. I did my part. But that was not enough. I need to do more. I need to take care of myself. I will show that cardiologist I do not need him. It starts here. I am going to take care of my body by eating right, dropping some weight, exercising. I have to. I have to for me. I have to for my kids. It is 5 days after my visit to the emergency room and the only answers I have are the ones I gave myself. I have yet to hear from any cardiologist and I have yet to hear any results from the 5 tubes of blood that were drawn. I realize that I can not sit and wait for others to figure out what is wrong with me, to fix me. I am the only one that can fix me. A friend of mine said to me the other day that my journey starts here, once and for all. I love that. Here I go, on a journey to take care of myself, once and for all.

I think we are some sort of a Superhero, us Moms.

Boy Scouts, Karate, A Science Fair, Fun Fridays, Trumpet Lessons/Practice, Homework, Friends, Dentist, Haircuts, Chores, Sunday School, Sleepovers, Doctor Appointments( one kid with asthma, one kid with ongoing tummy troubles, myself with other stuff), teacher conferences, book orders, upcoming Spring Chorus and Band Concert, camp/field trip registrations and fees, daycare family night, keeping a 3 year old and 11 year old happy at the same time, taking turns between the little man's TV choices of Blues Clues, Barney,Toy Story, and Dora or the big man's TV choices of Drake and Josh, Zeke and Luther, Sponge Bob, and Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief, work, household obligations, Board of Ed meetings, library meetings, volunteering, church, being a mother, a Special Education educator. Putting some time aside for myself. Phew. These last couple of months have been quite a challenge, rushing from here to there and everywhere. And the last few months of this school year look to be just as packed.  And you know what? I hardly think about doing it, I just do it. It somehow all gets done. My house might not be clean, I have enough dust to provide my children with a free drawing pallate, enough mounds of laundry to provide tricky hiding spots for a game or two of hide-and-go-seek, and there might be a few(at least) matchbox cars, blocks, or nerf darts scattered throughout the house to cause bodily harm in the dark of the night while shuffling to the bathroom. And you know what? I am okay with this. (Well not the bodily harm part, but you catch my drift). I somehow manage to work a full time job and do all of this "stuff." And I am thankful for this craziness. I am thankful for my children and our chaotic lives. I go through phases of sadness when I wish I had enough money to do this or that, or pay off my bills. I wish I had more time to sleep or clean or cook the perfect meal. And you know what? Who cares? You always get a second chance to get that laundry folded or dust that shelf. You don't always get a second chance to be involved in your child' life, to make a difference, to be a positive role model. I am not missing out on this once in a life time opportunity with my children. I do not want to screw this up. So as much bitching and complaining as I manage to do about having too much on our plates, about not having enough time to wash the kitchen floor, I take a step back knowing that the more involved my kids are, the better chance they have in life, the better chance they have to make a difference. At least I can do this for my boys. I love spending this crazy life with my kids. What else would I be doing? Reorganizing my closets? No thank you. So if you stop by my house unannounced, (which you are welcome to do), and there are dirty dishes in the sink, the bathroom does not sparkle and shine, and you are not sure if it is the island in the middle of the kitchen or a fortress made for an "I Spy With My Little Eye" game, just know that I am busy raising my children, teaching them, guiding them, loving them. Now let's see what activities are available for the three year old...

More layouts...

I attended a 12 hour crop last month and accomplished a great deal. I spent time with my sister, caught up with some old friends, made some new friends, and managed to make a few layouts along with some cards! I felt pretty good about all that I had accomplished. Here are a couple of the layouts that I made. These pictures were taken on the first day of school in August 2011.

I can not wait for the day when Zachary asks me why I let him put on that hat. I hate that hat but that is what he wanted so who am I to fight him and this fashion statement he wishes to make? Not a battle I choose to fight. I fight the important battles, not ones that are made up of dorky hats! Anyway, this is Zach's first day of 5th grade and he did not want summer vacation to end. It was a good one, I have to say!  I always feel like when I make a layout of one kid, I have to make one of the other kid. The great thing is that when I have pictures of the boys involved in the same activity or memory, I can use the same layout and just use different patterned paper or different colored card stock. It makes the layouts look different, yet they are so much alike. Check out the similarities and the differences of the layouts. Such a great time saver and each kid still gets their own layout. And here is Mr. Nathaniel...

...I needed to make this layout of Nathaniel on his first day of "school" in the 2 year old room at Play and Learn. After a fun summer vacation home with me and his big brother, he was very excited to get back to school. For some reason I can not get the photo of the layout to flip the right way. I think it is a sign, an explanation without words on that little man's personality. He is always on the go, full of energy, hard to keep up with! It is through my love of scrap booking that I am able to capture the personalities of these boys. They are what keeps me going, what brings a smile to my face. Just love those boys, as crazy as the little one is and as unaware of what a good hat looks like the older one is, I cherish them. Thank you Lord for sending them to me!

I am still here. Kind of.

I swore when I started this blog that I would keep it updated, I would post at least twice a week. Well, life happens and as a result, that biweekly post did not happen. I have so much to talk about, to show, to reveal, to question.  These past few weeks have been a whirl wind of various sorts. I have been challenged and I have been tested. I have been sad and I have been happy. I have laughed and I have cried. As I sit here reflecting on events of the past few weeks, I wonder how I have not crashed and burned. I have been able to function, barely. I have been able to be a mother, barely. I have been able to be a wife, sort of. When it all comes down to it, I have done just enough. No more. No less. I hate that. I want to be more than just what is expected. I don't just want to, I need to. I find myself struggling with certain decisions, of others and of myself and am having difficulty making my own decisions. How did this happen? Where did this come from? I said to a friend the other day that I realized something was wrong when I noticed that I was having trouble handling simple situations. This is not me, not who I am. So what do I do? Close myself off from the world. Sleep for two days. It was a temporary fix. So now I learned avoidance. Great. Here is my vow to get moving, move forward, be that mother I strive to be. Be that wife I promised to be. Find solutions. Get answers. Make decisions. I need to. Just let me start with a few of these. They always make me feel better!

Judgement Day

As I sat in church this past Sunday, I found myself making judgements. I saw a priest on the alter who I have not seen before and the first thing I thought was "Great. Here we go. Another preacher who is just filling in, just going through the motions of saying the 10:00 mass." I was doing what I tell my kids not to do, all the time. I was assuming the worst. I was being the person I constantly tell myself and my kids not to be. One thing I find myself repeating is to give people a chance. Every one has something good to offer, something positive, no matter who they are, no matter how they present themselves. Everyone has a story. A story I have no clue about and honestly, most of the time, have no privilege of knowing about. Here is a servant of God, whose mission in life is to spread the word of the Lord, to spread kindness and love. And I was sitting there judging him, knowing nothing about him, ignorant as to what his story is. Then he spoke. He spoke to me. He spoke to each and every one of us sitting in that church. My false judgements were immediately diminished. I was ashamed of myself. He was amazing, he was inspirational, he was one of the best speakers I have heard. Ever. I fought the tears that were forming in my eyes as he spoke of courage and love. He spoke of respect in a marriage, in a family, in the workplace. He spoke of equality within the human race. He even cited the Constitution of the United States, not letting the old "separation of church and state" stop him from getting his point across. I sat in that church pew apologizing to God, to my children, to my husband, to my family and friends, to the speaker, to myself. I apologized for decisions I have made and the impact they have had. I was moved in a way that I can not begin to explain. As he continued to speak of moving forward in life and new beginnings, he spoke of bravery and courage, traits which I often think I lack. It was the following statement about courage that has stuck with me since that morning and I keep reciting it in my head.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the ability to go on in spite of fear."

Tremendous. I realized something at that moment. I think I have known it but never really understood it. Making judgments is only the fear of the unknown. Put the fear aside and move forward. Be open to new things. Don't judge. Be courageous.

365 Days

Today I turn 39. I feel like I should be making a big deal out of the fact that this is my last year in my thirties, like the next decade of my life will be a suffering path to nothing. Why do people dwell on age? I have so many friends that are well into their 40s, 50s, and even 60s. They seem to be finally finding themselves, knowing who they are, having the time of their lives. This gives me hope, inspiration. I remember the days of being a preteen, thinking life would be over when I hit 40. I would be old, and doing nothing. I would like to think just the opposite. I would like to think I have not even started yet. I feel like I have not touched the surface, I have so much more I want to do, so much more I want to accomplish. I would never go back to my childhood nor my teenage years. They were hard, crappy years. Why do people not look forward to the future, to learning, to growing, to making a difference? Why is there such a negative label on growing older? I plan to make the next year, the last year of my 30s a year of change, a year of preparing for the next decade. We are surrounded by too much negativity and not enough optimism. I refuse to make growing a negative experience. Growing is positive. Right? Here is to my last year in my 30s. I look forward to new beginnings in my 40s. I look forward to growth and more importantly I look forward to being a mother and being the positive person my boys need me to be, the positive person I need me to be.