Judgement Day

As I sat in church this past Sunday, I found myself making judgements. I saw a priest on the alter who I have not seen before and the first thing I thought was "Great. Here we go. Another preacher who is just filling in, just going through the motions of saying the 10:00 mass." I was doing what I tell my kids not to do, all the time. I was assuming the worst. I was being the person I constantly tell myself and my kids not to be. One thing I find myself repeating is to give people a chance. Every one has something good to offer, something positive, no matter who they are, no matter how they present themselves. Everyone has a story. A story I have no clue about and honestly, most of the time, have no privilege of knowing about. Here is a servant of God, whose mission in life is to spread the word of the Lord, to spread kindness and love. And I was sitting there judging him, knowing nothing about him, ignorant as to what his story is. Then he spoke. He spoke to me. He spoke to each and every one of us sitting in that church. My false judgements were immediately diminished. I was ashamed of myself. He was amazing, he was inspirational, he was one of the best speakers I have heard. Ever. I fought the tears that were forming in my eyes as he spoke of courage and love. He spoke of respect in a marriage, in a family, in the workplace. He spoke of equality within the human race. He even cited the Constitution of the United States, not letting the old "separation of church and state" stop him from getting his point across. I sat in that church pew apologizing to God, to my children, to my husband, to my family and friends, to the speaker, to myself. I apologized for decisions I have made and the impact they have had. I was moved in a way that I can not begin to explain. As he continued to speak of moving forward in life and new beginnings, he spoke of bravery and courage, traits which I often think I lack. It was the following statement about courage that has stuck with me since that morning and I keep reciting it in my head.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the ability to go on in spite of fear."

Tremendous. I realized something at that moment. I think I have known it but never really understood it. Making judgments is only the fear of the unknown. Put the fear aside and move forward. Be open to new things. Don't judge. Be courageous.

365 Days

Today I turn 39. I feel like I should be making a big deal out of the fact that this is my last year in my thirties, like the next decade of my life will be a suffering path to nothing. Why do people dwell on age? I have so many friends that are well into their 40s, 50s, and even 60s. They seem to be finally finding themselves, knowing who they are, having the time of their lives. This gives me hope, inspiration. I remember the days of being a preteen, thinking life would be over when I hit 40. I would be old, and doing nothing. I would like to think just the opposite. I would like to think I have not even started yet. I feel like I have not touched the surface, I have so much more I want to do, so much more I want to accomplish. I would never go back to my childhood nor my teenage years. They were hard, crappy years. Why do people not look forward to the future, to learning, to growing, to making a difference? Why is there such a negative label on growing older? I plan to make the next year, the last year of my 30s a year of change, a year of preparing for the next decade. We are surrounded by too much negativity and not enough optimism. I refuse to make growing a negative experience. Growing is positive. Right? Here is to my last year in my 30s. I look forward to new beginnings in my 40s. I look forward to growth and more importantly I look forward to being a mother and being the positive person my boys need me to be, the positive person I need me to be.